The Road Revisited

Follow Me Around The United States!

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back...

When I was on the road over the summer, I asked myself time and again why I kept leaving pieces of myself all over the country. In almost every town, every home I was in, I took a part of it with me, but I also left a part of myself behind. After awhile it felt hollow, like if I left one more shard in the glow of a tail light I would have nothing left to hold me together.

But, driving west on the Ohio Turnpike this morning to visit some of my "road friends", I realized that those tiny pieces weren't shreds I just left behind to decay. They were my breadcrumbs, marking a trail across 26 states that I can follow and always find a friend.

Monday, March 27, 2006

I'm Officially On The Bandwagon -- And I'm Not Ashamed!

Grab my arm and I'll pull you up onto the George Mason bandwagon!


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Some people may think I'm a poser or a loser for rooting for George Mason now -- but what they don't know is that I've been rooting for them all along, along with Georgetown, GW, Tennessee, and LSU. Just because I haven't been painting my face or watching EVERY SINGLE GAME doesn't make me not a fan. I like Mason, always have. And even if I wasn't before, and I just chose to start following now, WHO CARES?! We're rooting for the same team, so shut up and let's watch the game!

So to anyone who's going to talk smack and say, "Oh, you're just a bandwagon fan," -- piss off. I've got a game to watch.

GO MASON!!!!

Friday, March 24, 2006

There are some things money can't buy.

Cover charge to 18-and-over club to celebrate my friend's birthday: $15

Tip for a weak rum and coke in a red plastic cup: $5

Number of people older than me in said club: 4

Number of guys who said, "God Damn!" when I was dancing: 9

Knowing I still got it: Priceless.

Ding-Dong, The Devils Are Dead!

Oh, what a wonderful Friday! I got to get baby kisses from my triplets in the morning, free bagels for breakfast at the office, found out my horrible co-worker was fired, and got to wake up with the sweet, sweet knowledge that LSU knocked Duke off their high horse and out of the tournament! Victory is mine! And smothered in cream cheese and joy!

And a personal aside to JJ Redick: Too bad, so sad! Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out! Buh-bye!

Thursday, March 23, 2006

"Chef?"

For the record, last night's "South Park' could not have been any more genius. To rip Scientology a new one foor brainwashing Isaac Hayes and making Chef leave South Park was too great. If you haven't seen it, I don't want to ruin it for you. I will say, though, that I liked how Kyle stood up towards the end and said, "Don't be mad at Chef for leaving. Be mad at the people who brainwashed him. I love Chef and I'm still going to love him even though he left."

Well done, Matt and Trey.

Speaking of Scientology, check out this article: "Ad blasts Scientology"

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

It Just Doesn't Get Any More Logical Than This:

www.fucksouthdakota.com

Anywhere but here....

When Bush was allegedly re-elected in 2004, I cried. I railed against something intangible; namely, the shoddy forethought of American conservativism, the ability to be duped into believing that this man actually has the best interests of his country at heart. I started calling myself "The Future Canadian". I looked at rents and job listings in Thailand, Malta, and Samoa.

My friends, both Democrat and Republican, told me I was overreacting. "Don't go. This is your country. By leaving, you're giving up on your country." Eventually, I relented and settled in to the concept of four more years of getting fucked over.

But this morning, I'm back to fight or flight mentality, emphasis on the flight. I can't win. This country no longer supports me. There's only so much heartbreak a person can stand before they hit their threshold and I'm quickly reaching mine. South Dakota just banned abortion. Ten other states are now in talks to do the same. Inuit tribes are noticing the first real effects of Artic thaw and melting ice caps. President Bush is now saying that troops may be in Iraq long after 2008 -- when my brother joined the Marines two months ago, we fooled ourselves into believing that the 2006 mid-term elections may mean he wouldn't have to go, but now that dream has died. And my willingness to keep my head up is dying as well.

There have been others who continued to fight despite any advancements. Alice Paul, John Lewis, Martin Luther King, Jr. -- all of those people took the worst from the American government and came back for more. Apparently, they're made of stronger stuff than me.

I am proud to be American. I choke up when I start talking about the Declaration of Independence. But when frustration at the direction of the country starts to mount like heat in a crucible and no amount of liberal grit or legislation can break through the faith-based hubris of The Powers That Be, I want to start over in a new place. It won't stop the ice caps from melting, it won't bring my brother home from Iraq. But god damn.... it's got to be better than this.

Monday, March 20, 2006

I Hate Double-Standards Twice As Much.

My friend Eric is a fellow travel writer and he has no problem writing about sexual encounters he's had on the road. He writes about them like they are delicious sweets to be savored and enjoyed. And to be quite honest, I wish I could do that.

I wish it weren't such a double standard. For Eric to comment on his sexual forays in Europe within his book is no big deal, and he takes on the persona of a stud, an American gigolo. But if I were to ever discuss any sort of sexual dealing beyond a kiss, suddenly I'd go from Young Girl Discovers America to Dirty Whore Opens Her Legs All Over The Country. Sometimes I wish I had Eric's courage, but really it would take more than that. It would take a complete overhaul of societal norms to make it "okay" for me to write about anything like that.

I don't like it. It's not like my book is going to be all about sex, but I hate having to self-censor because my dad or my grandmother will read it, or because I don't want people to get the wrong idea about me. I'm not a whore. I'm not a slut. I am a 25-year-old woman who was, at the time, traveling alone and single and experiencing life. And now I am the same age, committed and in love. And if writing about it makes me a whore, then you are close-minded and I'd thank you to not read any more of my writing.

Yyyeaaaaaaahhhhhh, I'm going to need you to go ahead and come in on Saturday.

Have you ever seen the movie "Waiting..."? You haven't? Well, let me summarize.....

Boy works as waiter at restaurant. Boy has fellow waiter friends at restaurant. Boy is offered Assistant Manager position. Boy did not ask for said promotion, but Boy's friends still more or less turn on him. Poor Boy. Poor, poor boy.

Well, poor Jessica. Yes, I have been asked to join the ranks of such beloved managerial types as Bill Lumbergh. Mr. Slate. Michael Scott from "The Office". And many more.

I should do it. If only so I can add it to the list of Things I've Done For Money Within Legal Parameters, I should do it. It won't be every day, and I'll still be a waitress when I'm not managing. But I can't help feeling like this will separate me from everyone in a negative way.

I'm going to do it. But if I start parading around the restaurant with a coffee mug and a pair of suspenders, or saying, "Push the fish, it's about to turn", someone please shoot me dead in the face.

Thursday, March 16, 2006

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Names Have Been Changed To Protect The Idiotic.

My alarm went off at 6:15 this morning. I was gathering laundry when my cell phone rang at 6:28. The area code was Sandusky.

"Hello?"
A slightly accusing voice asked me, "I was just wondering, when was the last time you saw Adam Cobb?"

My ex-boyfriend. The one right before Greg. The name that launched a thousand rumors.

"Good morning to you, too," I thought. It sounded like a girl I had worked with at Ruby Tuesday in Ohio, Taylor, aka The Nosiest, Gossip-iest Girl In The Entire World.

I answered her honestly. "October."
"October?"
"Yeah, I was in Ohio in October."
She paused before sighing, "Okay."
I tried to call her out, demanding, "Taylor, why do you care?"
The voice started crying.

When she took a breath she began speaking quickly. "Because he's my boyfriend and I just found a love letter from you under his mattress and I don't know what to do and I know you called the other day and then I was in Chicago and I was having nightmares about you two together and then I found this and..." She trailed off, crying, and I softened. It wasn't Taylor. Just a girl who happened to get him after me. I calmed her down.

"Sshhhh, it's okay. It's okay. I can promise you nothing is happening between us. Shhhh."

The conversation ended with her and I making plans to have a drink the next time I'm in Ohio. Who says hell hath no fury?

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

My job makes me stoopid.

Seriously, let's all bow our heads and pray for this book I'm working on, because if I stay at this office job for any great length of time I think my brain may turn to oatmeal. And not even the good Quaker oatmeal with cinnamon and the nice man on the front, I mean the yucky plain-flavored, store brand oatmeal that can double as wallpaper paste.

And then I'll be so impaired that whatever semblance of what was my book will be this:

"I dreyve in car many far places. Car durty. Me durty. Sun come up a lot and me cold. Sumteyemez play geetar. Me eat lot peenut buttur. No hav munny. See manee corns. The end."


Let us pray. Amen.

I'll say it again, we have the best dates of any couple I know.




"You cut yourself how?"

I have a lot of interesting friends named John. There's John Light, the Wiccan priest. John Maid, the professional wrestling enthusiast. John Lewis, who taught himself to play guitar after age 35. And then there's my co-worker John Bullock, who looks like Jesus and dresses like Captain Morgan, who writes sea shanties and works as a schooner bum in the summertime. He also juggles and recites a mean Shel Silverstein. This is a typical conversation between he and I:

John: "Ouch!"

Me: "What happened?"

John: "I got hot sauce in this cut on my thumb."

Me: "Ohhhh. Did you cut yourself cutting up lemons?"

John: "No, the other day I was juggling machetes and reached for one at the wrong time."

Me: "That's what I love about you! Anyone else would have tried to play it off like they were juggling machetes when they actually hurt themselves in a boring way. But not you."

And then he laughed in that way that I imagine Jesus would have looked like if he ever laughed in those paintings.

"It doesn't matter what others think of you, only what you think of you."

Why is it so hard to remember that sometimes? It makes perfectly logical sense, but putting it into practice can be much harder than it sounds.

Monday, March 13, 2006

I've Figured Out The Secret To Eating Better:

Buy incredibly adorable clothes that are one size too small and watch how quickly you opt for the whole grains instead of McDonald's. It's foolproof.

Just like the sky, the road never ends.
And when people who love me still ask me, "When are you coming back to town?"
And I answer, "Quite frankly, when they stop building roads and all God needs is gravity to hold me down."

I'm in the process of editing, can you tell?

Note: "Shunpiking" refers to taking back roads instead of toll roads; literally, shunning the turnpike. This article was originally adapted for a shunpiking-enthusiast magazine.
____________________________________________________________________

The first time I shunpiked I had no idea what it was. All I knew was that I liked the jingle of change in my pocket rather than a toll basket, and preferred winding two-lanes freckled with shade to glaring halogen street lamps and the roar of eighteen wheelers.

A young girl, a stick shift and miles of solitary road can be a magnificent thing. Since that day, I have shunpiked solo through twenty-six of the United States, one more than my number of years. I can tell you what the mid-May sun looks like on the back of a cottony lamb in Maine. I could tell you how the fog clings to the trees at the bottom of Buffalo Canyon in the Ozarks. I have shunpiked enough to be able to say, "yes, there are steep hills in Kansas." But no experience so far could compare to a slow drive on a tawny August morning, heading west on farming service roads through South Dakota.

I had camped the night before in Palisades State Park on the outskirts of Garretson, in Minnehaha County. My small car was becoming used to main thoroughfares made of gravel and I had a healthy layer of dust to prove it. Pulling out of the park, the morning dew was just beginning to burn off the tall grass in the ditches. I headed due north on County Road 115, a farming service road that runs parallel to I-29; twenty miles of crisp, green landscape later, I turned left onto Route 34. 34 passes through the tiny stop-sign town of Colman before intersecting Route 81 in Madison. Madison is considered a large town in South Dakota because it has a McDonald's. Past Madison, 34 is the main link between the farming towns of Junius, Vilas, Fedora, Artesian and Woonsocket. It is not uncommon to pass muddy tractors meandering between fields on this road, inching along at 9 miles an hour. Just two miles past the Twin Lakes State Recreation Area, which is not near any lakes, Route 281 offers a due thoroughfare to the northern plainsland. I had initially planned to take 34 all the way to Pierre, but the scenery was so beautiful I took 281 to Route 14 to prolong the journey.

My main reason for neglecting the interstate, aside from the fact that I hate interstates, was my unfortunate timing. It was the first few days of August. For those who don't know what that means for South Dakota, it is the Sturgis Bike Rally.

I respect motorcycles and I respect the people who ride them. But 25,000 bikers descending on a patch of minuscule towns in the Black Hills for two weeks in the heat of summer is really too much. Bikes choke the pavement and clog parking lots, having contests to see whose engines is louder, smokier, faster. Belief that they own the road spills over into the gas station, the grocery store. Most come from hundreds of miles away and they opt for the turnpike - a quicker ride means more time to spend drinking at the rally. Not me. I probably would have taken Route 34 anyway, bike rally or no, but the hordes of leather-clad tar warriors definitely sealed the deal.

Back on the pristine honeycomb meadows north of the interstate, my heart quickened its pace as I crested the steep hill about six miles north on 281. I didn't know what I'd see, but it was the furthest I'd ever been from home. To some people it may have just been "The Midwest", but to me it was the height of exoticism. I held my breath and took my foot off the gas pedal, slowing down just to try to gobble up the whole view at once.

It was impossible. Miles of buttery plainsland spread out before me, shaped in golden mounds like a thousand loaves of bread rising slowly under the warmth of the summer sun. The thin wild hay blew in trademark waves across each hill, sometimes kicking up at a crazy angle like a child's stubborn cowlick. The hills rushed up to meet the sky, a shade of technicolour blue I'd never seen. A guttural sound, half-singing and half-choking, rose from me. I descended that hill with tears in my eyes, overjoyed at the sheer, unsullied beauty and saddened that I had no one to share it with. Alison Kraus' voice, sweet as sun-ripened cherries, wafted out my open windows and blew across the plains, becoming part of those amber waves of grain.

The landscape blissfully stayed the same all the way up 281, criss-crossed only by the winding Cain Creek on the edge of Beadle County, shining between the hills like a silver necklace. I hopped on Route 14 and headed west, taking note of just how many miles of open land were not staked by rusty barbed-wire fencing, as though they belonged to anyone who happened to be there. That day they belonged to me, and I shared them only with a dozen or so languid steer cattle, resting like molded chocolates against the butterscotch hills.

I sang at the top of my lungs, a cacophony aria with no recognizable words. I may as well have been the first person to set foot or tires to that part of the world. I was an adventurer. I was Sir Francis Drake. I was Merriweather Lewis. I was anyone I wanted to be on those tiny roads, surrounded by a landscape that is still more precious in my memory than some homes I've had. I never wanted to reach Pierre. I was a twenty-five year-old woman, a shunpiker, with pigtail braids and a dirty car who, for the first time, was witnessing Nature's alchemy as she turned grass to spun gold.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

I feel sorry for the diamonds.


When I see people who decorate their teeth like they have a glorified Be-Dazzler, all I can think is, "that poor diamond".

Really, these are probably the most gorgeous objects we've discovered on this planet. They are forged in the earth for thousands of years under constant pressure and the watchful eye of Mother Nature. Like pearls, they take time. Then the diamonds are mined, cleaned, cut, polished... and then they end up in some gansta's mouth.

I just imagine a conversation in diamond heaven:

Diamond 1: "How did you spend your life?"
Diamond 2: "I was given to a beautiful lady by the love of her life. Then I was passed on to their granddaughter and her granddaughter. How did you spend your life?"
Diamond 1: "In Paul Wall's mouth, masticating fried chicken."






My thoughts this morning...a random smattering.

1. I've been getting a lot of nose bleeds lately and I don't know why. I'm starting to wonder if I have a sleep-walking problem, during which I also have a cocaine habit, both unbeknownst to myself.

2. The new Beyonce video makes me uncomfortable because her dancing is so jerky it looks like she's having a seizure. The song is called "Check Up On It" and it literally makes me want Beyonce to get a check up.

3. I googled my email address out of boredom yesterday and found a link to a travel writing message board that I posted on back about 2 years ago. I was asking for advice as far as fund-raising/getting published. I remember the first couple of responses I got from professionals were harsh, ridiculing and downright mean, so I never went back to that website, not even to check for more feedback. Well, as of yesterday there were 23 responses, and most of them were so delightful and supportive! I guess next time I should just wait for the assholes to weed themselves out and not give up so easy.

4. Why does my dog do bad things, then not do bad things for, like, five months, and then he goes on a bad-thing streak and commits three bad-thing crimes in one week?

5. Where in God's name would I be without the love and support of my friends and family? Probably curled into a ball and dehydrated from crying in a cave somewhere.....

6. I have had so much energy and been so happy the past few days, despite the smash-and-grab, the insurance not covering ANYTHING, having to postpone the trip, Greg being sick, and not really sleeping. Does that mean I'm officially growing up? (Or is it my nocturnal coke habit?...)

7. I really hope I'm able to visit Ohio at the end of March, if only for the weekend. I talked to Phil from Sandusky last night and it sounds like everything changed after I left. People got fired or moved away, or had kids, or broke up... it kind of makes me think... that month I lived in Ohio was a moment that will never be the same again. The people I worked with will never be a group again, not in the same sense. And each little tableau, each little cross-section of life is a moment that will change the minute you blink. So cherish it while you've got it, before it's gone.

8. Matt Dillon is one goofy-looking dude.

9. If my boss moves my desk one more time, I'm going to burn down the building.

Monday, March 06, 2006

What I do sometimes when I'm mad.

Sometimes I'll get really mad at people for different reasons. It's usually former friends who still feel the need to be petty and barb me with insults worked into something they've written, stuff like that. Or the person/people who stole my laptop and broke my car window.

When I get mad, I'll come here and start typing some really acerbic, terse, usually cuss-peppered blog post meant to cause them the same pain they've caused me. I usually rail over how petty and childish they are being, and rant and rave and blow off steam. Then I'll be very close to hitting "publish", without realizing that by me getting so upset in the first place, they've already won the battle, and the war. There is nothing to say at that point, because you can't win a battle of wits with someone who is unarmed and you can't make a point to someone who won't listen to reason. Not to mention, by playing right into their hand I'm being as petty as they are.

Then I'll take a step back, calm down, and finally realize that some people...just....suck at life. And there's nothing I can do about it, no way I can convince them that I am not a bad person and they are being silly. I can only come here, write a mean couple of paragraphs that no one will ever read, and move on.

Saturday, March 04, 2006

Kerouac didn't have a laptop.

Thanks so much to everyone who emailed me or left comments. You are all absolutely right. I shouldn't let this deter me -- postpone another month, maybe, but not give up altogether. I was just freaking out because I had lost all that material and money. But I think I'll be fine. Kerouac didn't have a laptop when he wrote "On The Road". Neither did William Least Heat-Moon for "Blue Highways". They had fingers attached to wrists that allowed the fingers to move in such a fashion as to create words on a page with a pen. Maybe I can stop being such a 21st-Century brat and do the same....

I love all of you. You are what keeps me going.

Jessica.

Friday, March 03, 2006

I am FUCT.

So, yeah.... I'm coming at you at 3 am... my car was just broken into..... laptop was stolen.... is this God telling me not to back out on the road?

There were pictures on there from my trip that haven't been posted to this blog... and they're gone. Articles that were half-done and not published yet... gone. Replaced with broken glass all over the seat.

Tell me, readers... what do you think? Is this a sign? A throw-in-the-towel moment?

Comment and tell me what you think, please. Please. I need you.

Thursday, March 02, 2006


Oh, this is what I'm doing with my life... I almost forgot....  Posted by Picasa

What the hell am I doing with my life?

So I had one of those moments last night, those moments that make you think, "Wow! I am a complete LOSER! Why am I even on the planet?!"

There I was, watching a harmless TV commercial for a new sitcom and there, looking gorgeous and perfect as always, was Erin Cahill, my classmate from college. On TV. Famous. Being what we both promised each other we'd be and doing what we swore to each other we would do, except she was actually doing it and I was sitting on the couch, lamenting my day job for EvilCorp, Inc.

It was exactly like the moment from last year, on a Sunday morning, getting ready for work at Red Hot and Blue, wondering how many to-go cups of barbeque sauce I would have to make once I got there, and there was Melissa Rauch's face smiling back at me from her comfy seat on VH1's "Best Week Ever". She and I had Prof. Spring for Acting freshman year at Marymount, and by senior year I was producing comedy shows and helped Melissa get booked at Caroline's. Then I moved out to LA "for pilot season" and ended up a cocktail waitress, and she stayed in New York and look at her now.

Great. Fucking great.

Don't get me wrong, I'm extremely happy for both of them. They were both sweet girls and good friends. But damn... it makes you think.

And, yeah, I know I could feed myself all the lines about "Oh, this is just temporary, this is just until I get back out on the road, then I'll finish my book and get published and then I'll be on Letterman, blah blah blah", but come on the fuck on. Let's be real. An online magazine in Canada doesn't even want my stuff, and they weren't even offering to pay in the first place!

The only things keeping me going right now are music and this little girl I got a fan letter from who said that I am her inspiration. Thank you, 18-year-old girl from Prince Edward Island!


Ugh. I'm just ranting and venting, don't take anything I say seriously. Except the thank-you part.

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Open Letter to starbabyxoxo:

.....you make me blush....




many thanks, and much love,
Jessica

ps - I'll be in better touch shortly.

The Drunktionary

(Drunk Term = Sober Translation)

I LOVE This Song! = I KNOW This Song

Dude, all the chicks at this party are ugly = Dude, none of the chicks at this party will talk to me.

I’m hungry = Man, if I don’t eat right now I am going to be puking all over this bar…again.

You’re really pretty = I’m going to be ashamed of it tomorrow but tonight is all about instant gratification, honey.

Want to watch a movie? = Want to come over to my room for some extremely creepy back rubbing and some equally disturbing neck-nibbling?

I’m soooo drunk = I’m planting a seed in your head that will eventually grow into a beautiful tree which excuses me from blame for my actions tonight.

I just, like, want to help animals, ya know? = I just, like, want to get in your pants, ya know?

You’re my best friend, man = You’re my only friend in arm’s reach right now and I need someone to pay for this shot.

I don’t want to ruin the friendship = You’re a nice girl but you’re very heavy and I’d rather pretend I value our friendship than spend tomorrow dreaming up ways to kill myself.

This is the BEST night of my LIFE! = This is the BEST night of my WEEKEND!

Let’s take a walk, this bar is crowded = I prefer my handjobs outdoors.

I’m totally fine, dude = I’m totally going to be needing a toilet or bucket in about five minutes, dude.

What’s up, Bro? = What’s up, guy-who’s-name-I-can’t-ever-remember?

Who wants to dance? = Who wants to watch me stumble around the party, waving my arms, spilling my drink and pile-driving my genitals into anything wearing a skirt?

Hey, did you get the notes from Bio? = Hey, I’m going to ask you about class because I’m too scared to ask you out.

I had, like, ten beers before I even came out = I'm, like, the kind of guy that lies about how much I drink.

Dude, I didn’t even make it out of the dorms last night! = Dude, my girlfriend made me stay in and watch the Gilmore Girls season 1 DVD with her last night!