The Drunktionary

(Drunk Term = Sober Translation)

I LOVE This Song! = I KNOW This Song

Dude, all the chicks at this party are ugly = Dude, none of the chicks at this party will talk to me.

I’m hungry = Man, if I don’t eat right now I am going to be puking all over this bar…again.

You’re really pretty = I’m going to be ashamed of it tomorrow but tonight is all about instant gratification, honey.

Want to watch a movie? = Want to come over to my room for some extremely creepy back rubbing and some equally disturbing neck-nibbling?

I’m soooo drunk = I’m planting a seed in your head that will eventually grow into a beautiful tree which excuses me from blame for my actions tonight.

I just, like, want to help animals, ya know? = I just, like, want to get in your pants, ya know?

You’re my best friend, man = You’re my only friend in arm’s reach right now and I need someone to pay for this shot.

I don’t want to ruin the friendship = You’re a nice girl but you’re very heavy and I’d rather pretend I value our friendship than spend tomorrow dreaming up ways to kill myself.

This is the BEST night of my LIFE! = This is the BEST night of my WEEKEND!

Let’s take a walk, this bar is crowded = I prefer my handjobs outdoors.

I’m totally fine, dude = I’m totally going to be needing a toilet or bucket in about five minutes, dude.

What’s up, Bro? = What’s up, guy-who’s-name-I-can’t-ever-remember?

Who wants to dance? = Who wants to watch me stumble around the party, waving my arms, spilling my drink and pile-driving my genitals into anything wearing a skirt?

Hey, did you get the notes from Bio? = Hey, I’m going to ask you about class because I’m too scared to ask you out.

I had, like, ten beers before I even came out = I'm, like, the kind of guy that lies about how much I drink.

Dude, I didn’t even make it out of the dorms last night! = Dude, my girlfriend made me stay in and watch the Gilmore Girls season 1 DVD with her last night!