Because Mark and I don't have anything better to do at work:

The Humpty Dance


Ok, cease any activities you are currently engaged in,because I am on the verge of spoiling any fashion and idiosyncrasy that you have grown accustomed to.
My appearance may be comical, but I am still able to turn a profit,and it is my desire that everyone is sufficiently prepared for me.

Now arrange yourselves within close proximity,
I'm the most recent nonsensical person to join this community,
and my background music is performed by a group who goes by the nickname "The Underground"
I'll consume the entire bottle of cognac that you currently possess.So permit me to familiarize you with who I am.

I go by the moniker "Humpty",
Which, if verbalized, is comprised of the syllables "Um" and "Tee"
Oh females, how I enjoy having intercourse with you,
And all the lyricists who are currently popular enough to be ranked 10 and above on the charts, grant me permission to move you to a lower spot on the chart as I take your place.

I walk with a purpose and in a manner that is grandiose,
And much like the fictional character "Humpty Dumpty",
you too will succumb to the forces of gravity when my music is played over the radio at a higher than normal volume,
I enjoy it when my verses have a regular correspondence of sounds,
I enjoy it when my music has an earthy quality reminiscent of the blues,
I possess pizzazz,
I prefer my porridge not to be smooth and even in texture!

This current activity is causing me nausea, as evidenced by my thuggish persona,
Although I am known to act asinine as well.
I will completely consume your stores of biscuits and candy.
Excuse me, obese woman, please approach me. Does your body convulse with laughter when I touch you?
Yes, I addressed you as obese. Gaze upon me, I am far less portly than yourself, although said physicality has yet to deter me from engaging in many pursuits.
I am quite ludicrous.
I enjoy females of curvaceous figures.
I once had sexual relations in the lavatory of a Burger King.

I am not of sound mind.
Permit me to flabbergast you.
People have started rumors that I am unattractive, yet I have not allowed such accusations to anger me.
I continue to remove the clothing of women and beyond that, there is a dance that bears my name.

The Humpty Dance is your opportunity to move in the style of the Hump.
Engage in it, engage in said motion. Look at me as I move in this fashion.
Are you aware of what I am executing? Currently I am performing the Hump.
Engage in it, engage in the Humpty Hump.

The populace declares, “Good day, Humpty, you are of droll facial characteristics,”
Which is satisfactory considering I am able to increase the level of cheer in this area.
You both ogle and glower at my countenance, as well as incessantly attempt to evaluate my merits against those of other performers.
However, you are incapable of reaching the vicinity I am presently occupying.
You must understand that I dole out great quantities of what pleases the region, including here in on this ground, sir.
And the vast majority of lasses are quite passionate about yours truly.

Why, certainly, young women, I am in truth speaking frankly,
For when we are positioned in a sexual embrace which bears the name of a year, my snout shall irritate your posterior in a pleasing manner.
My muzzle is rather bulky, but nonsense, I refuse to feel mortification as a result.
In fact, it is quite similar to the shape of a preserved cucumber and I continue become renumerated.
Many women maintain a level of sexual contact with me, due to the fact that they are aware of my command over this region,
substantiated both by my present lifestyle and my aforementioned colossal beak!