Open Letter To The Rude Party of Eight That Tipped Me $19 On A $175 Check Last Night:

Thank you. Really. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for helping me realize that my life truly is insignificant.

Until last night, I was under the impression that I mattered in this world and was deserving of some semblance of respect, or at least kindness. At times I would even venture to do things for myself that would result in a pittance of happiness. I see now that I was severely out of line.

No, no, don't speak. Really, it's okay. My small brain cannot understand your mumbling anyway. Especially when you grumbled, "Crmmadbdandarrbtischuucdop" while looking at the ceiling -- in my stupidity, I could not decipher that you were actually ordering crab and artichoke dip.

And you were completely in the right to become annoyed with my idiotic self when I displayed my lack of both physical strength and magical powers by making two trips to the kitchen to carry your entrees. From now on, no matter the level of duress it may cause either myself or your dinner, I will carry 8 full plates of food at a time. I apologize for being so weak to the forces of gravity, and for having been so lacksidaisical up to now.

Ma'am, allow me at this time to compliment you on your mullet.

Regarding the money you left me, you honestly should not have deigned. Let's not be silly -- I do not do this job so I may be paid a living wage for my time! Such a thing would be ludicrous, and far too good for a daft troll such as myself. However, your sincere generosity in the face of the adversity of having me as a waitress has touched my heart. You have fought the good fight. You tolerated me. You have stood in the face of festering horror and still you insist on leaving me a 9% tip for my trouble. Bless you.

Thanks to you, I will never mistake myself of being worthy of anything remotely resembling a nicety ever again. You have opened my eyes to the sheer obtuseness of my being and for that, you have my undying gratitude. For what my pitiful opinion is worth.

Ma'am, you dropped your NASCAR keychain. Here you go. You may want to wash it now, as it has come in contact with my skin.

Again, thank you, one thousand times over,

Je--- nevermind. You have proven that my name is not important.