The Warmest Whiskey Welcome in Montana.

I didn't go directly to Missoula from East Glacier, rather I meandered through the National Forest that sits to the south of Glacier. There is one road through the forest, that dumps out past the town of Seeley Lake and into Bonner, which is the closest town east of Missoula. It rained during my entire trip through the woods, but it was still beautiful. Deer crossed in front of my car and horses grazed on sweetgrass despite the wet afternoon. I listened to classical music as the vistas swept in front of the windshield.

Finally, after a couple hours of moseying, I reached Bonner and the sun poked through the clouds. I was five miles from Missoula, five miles from the place where all the granola people live. For some odd reason, I felt like I was going home. Something about even the word 'Missoula' felt like home.

I wanted wi-fi more than anything, so I turned at a sign for the University of Montana. I caked myself in deodorant and followed directions from a college kid to a place called Liquid Planet right in downtown. I loved that I was in a city but the buildings weren't skyscrapers. I parked and, laptop in hand, went to the coffee shop.

The little guy at the counter spoke to me like he'd known me forever. In fact, everybody in Missoula speaks that way. We chatted about fun things to do in town and a sweet red-headed girl chimed in. "There's a great band playing tomorrow night at Sean Kelly's, you should go to that!" I ordered the drink of the day, a vanilla chai, and camped out, writing until my fingers were sore. Finally, at about 10, when the sun had finally gone down, I went over to Wal-Mart, thanks to the counter guy's cute map on my receipt, and washed up in the bathroom. The parking lot was like something out of 'Grapes of Wrath', except with RVs instead of tents. I counted 15 in the spaces around me, all camped out for the night.

I headed back to downtown, dressed up for once, and ran into the sweet red-head on the street. "Hey!" I called. "Whatcha doing right now? I was going to see if you wanted to hit up some of the bars with me."
"Oh, I'd love to!" she said. "But I'm pretty beat. Plus my fake ID got taken away last week, so I can't get in."
"You're not 21?" She looked so much older.
"No, I'm 20. But have fun and I hope I see you soon! What's your name?"
"I'm Jessica."
"I'm Jamie. Nice to meet you!"
"You too! Have a good night!"

She sent me over to a place called Hammerjack's, which I balked at at first because the only Hammerjack's I know from Baltimore is an 18-and-over club and it sucks. "No," she assured me, "it's not little kids." I stopped in over there and was relieved when the bouncer asked for ID. I took a seat next to a girl with gorgeous brown hair and looked around. MXC was showing on the big screen TV and I watched Japanese people fall in the mud, always a good time. A young guy came over to me and said, "I know you're not here by yourself."
"No, I am."
"Well, that's no good." He launched into a speech that ended with a litany of reasons why I should accompany him home that night. Then he asked, "What's that ring on your finger? Are you, like, married or something?"
"No, but I have a boyfriend. And as tempting as your offer sounds, an orgasm lasts a minute but guilt lasts forever."
"That's fair. Uh, I... gotta go find my friend..." And with that, he was gone.

The pretty-hair girl turned to me and asked, "Are you from out of town? I heard you talking to that guy."
"Yeah! Yeah, I'm from Baltimore," I managed to say, without dying of shock. A woman was talking to me in a bar. In a friendly manner! Any woman from the East Coast knows how unimaginable that is -- all the women at the bars are so competitive, and just glare at any other women with a look that says, "I'm the hottest chick in the place so don't you dare try and take anyone home!" But not this girl! She was being nice, sweet even!
"That's really cool! I'm Megan," she said, extending her hand.
"Jessica." Now I was really in awe. I tried to keep my jaw from dropping.
We talked about life in Missoula and her job as a vet tech. "Do you do horses and cows, too?" I asked.
"Oh, yeah. It's kind of a pain, because you have to be out there in the hot sun all day long, but I still like the job."
"What's the craziest thing you've ever seen as a vet tech?"
"Um... probably a dog that ate panty hose. We had to do emergency surgery because he wouldn't have been able to pass them, he would have died."
"That is pretty nuts."
"Yeah. Hey, this is my friend Lala. Lala, this is Jessica, she's from Baltimore." She introduced me to a pixie of a Hispanic girl with blonde highlights.
"Lala?" I asked. "As in 'Teletubbies'?"
"Yeah, just like that," she said, shaking my hand. "We were gonna go to another bar, do you want to come too?"
"Sure!" Finally, after how many years, I was being befriended in a bar by not one, but two females, not some guy trying to get in my pants.

We walked over to a bar called The Rhino, which was filled with college kids. Dave Matthews poured out of the speakers and Lala said, "Let's go somewhere else."
Oh, this place seems cool, I thought.
"I like more hip-hop than that kind of stuff. I want to dance!" she said. "My friend is deejaying over at The Board Room, let's go there."

We walked another block and Lala told me about her father. "My parents are in Hawaii right now, on their honeymoon. They renewed their vows last week, it was a huge ceremony! We had to hire security guards to turn people away at the door, because people just showed up. Everybody knows my dad. He owns a Mexican restaurant called El Cazador about a block from here. He came here as a young man and started in restaurants as a dishwasher. Then he became a bus-boy. Then, in Seattle, someone gave him a chance to become a waiter. He did that for a long time. Then, when I was about 13, he had an opportunity to own this restaurant. He'd never even heard of Missoula, Montana. But he took it and he said, Lala, you're coming with me!' So we came out here and started it up, and then he sent for my mother and little brother. We've been here fifteen years now."
"When my parents got married," she continued, "they couldn't afford a real wedding. So when they renewed their vows last week, it was crazy! Everybody loves my dad. He's the nicest guy. And we partied so hard! I was chugging champagne and made my grandma cry! Wasn't I, Megan?"
"Yeah, it was pretty crazy."
"Yeah!"
"Man, I wish your dad was in town. I'd love to talk with him."
"Well, you'll just have to come back!"

We went down some stairs into a very dark bar tended by a cute guy with a goatee. "Hey, Skunky!" Lala called, and promptly ordered three beers and a round of Washington Apples.
"Sweet Jesus, are you trying to kill me?" I asked. Two days in Montana and already hitting the whiskey.
"Shut up and take it!" I did as I was told.

Lala showed me pictures of her three sons. "That's Juan, he's 2. This one's Ethan, he's 4. And this is Damonte, he's the oldest." Lala is only 24 and it amazed me that she could have three kids already. It was encouraging to see, actually, because I meet so many young moms who resent their kids and the fact that they have no free time. But Lala and her fiance, Adam, seem to have a good system worked out. She has her nights off to go out with the girls, and he has his nights out with the boys. It's really heartwarming to see couples that young already learning the secrets to a happy family.

I leaned over to Megan and said, "I could never do your job!"
"Yeah, it's tough."
Lala cut in, saying, "Last month we went out drinking and then Megan had to go to work early the next morning -- tell her about it, Megan!"
"Oh, God. Okay. So, I was still drunk from the night before and I get to work and my boss says, 'Come on, we need to work on some cows, it'll only take a couple hours.' So I'm, like, dying, right? And we get out there and I was so thirsty! We were in the sun all day long -- 'til, like, 7 o'clock at night -- and I seriously felt like I was going to die. I felt like I was in a desert, like I was going to start hallucinating."
"Tell her what you had to do, Megan!"
Megan winced. "Um. I had to collect semen from bulls."
"WHAT?!"
"Yeah."
"Um.... how... did you.... do that?" I asked. "Were you, like...." I motioned crudely with two hands.
"Oh! No! God, no! Not like that! But I had to stick this thing in their asses, it seriously looked like a rocket! And I stuck it in there and it made them..... you know. And we collected it in a bucket."
"Sweet Mother of God! That is.... wow. Wow! Yeah, I could never, ever do your job. Ever."
"Yeah, I was so hung over that day."
Lala said, "I came home from work that day and she was at my house, lying on the couch, she couldn't even move!"
Megan shook her head. "Yeah, it was, like, the worst day of my life. I literally thought I was going to die."

Lala's deejay friend spun some pretty cool stuff and we danced a little bit. But we were well on our way to Wasted Town by that point and the thought of balancing or doing any cool moves didn't last long. We ended up back at the bar, with an inordinate amount of alcohol in front of us.
"Well, I'm not driving tonight!" I said as they pushed another shot in my direction.
"Welcome to Montana!" they toasted.

Welcome to Montana, indeed.