I Can Play Air Guitar And Drive At The Same Time.

The next morning I helped wash some dishes and ate some pancakes before taking off for Maryland. The plan was to surprise my mom at dinner that night for her birthday. The festival was so fun once I finally gave up trying to fit in and realized I already did, just without the pro-life and creationism stuff. Still, as I was leaving, having hugged everyone and exchanged emails, I saw a bumper sticker on a garbage can that read, "EVOLUTION IS SCIENCE FICTION". In the dust on the can, I scrawled "You just don’t want to admit you’re wrong". I guess you can lead an agnostic to water but you can’t make them immerse.

(It made me think of a museum in Arkansas that my best friend Dana had told (read: warned) me about. It’s called The Museum Of Earth History, a creationism museum that features - get this - a life-size exhibit of Adam and Eve living side-by-side with dinosaurs. With dinosaurs, people! Not only that, but one of the dinosaurs had a SADDLE on its BACK. A good ol’ leather, Roy Rogers-style saddle. Somehow, Adam and Eve live in a world where there is no death and everyone is a herbivore, even a veloceraptor, and they magically grew a cow’s hide out of the ground and had the wherewithall to fashion it into a western saddle. But not clothes. Or shoes. Just a saddle. Come the f*ck on! I mean, really! And the worst part is, there are people that freakin’ believe this is 100% real! These are the same people that believe Spongebob Squarepants is a threat to society. And the same people that make me want to vomit out of sheer frustration. But I digress.....)

I tried to stop the shuddering in my head as I reminded myself of what a good time I had just had. "Not all Christians are crazy Fundamentalists....not all Christians are crazy Fundamentalists...." The words matched my footsteps as I dragged my backpack and sleeping bag behind me. I stopped at a dusty SUV with a dusty "W’04" sticker on it. I uncovered the W and the 0, and finished it up with "w, what an idiot!" Then I spelled out "KERRY REALLY WON" before scampering off before anyone saw me.

My car had an amazing amount of dust on it, too, and I had some fun with that. A black Honda Civic with the word "PAGAN" on the side turned some heads on the way out of the parking lot.

The drive home was damn-near unbearable but I managed by discovering I can play air guitar and steer with my knees. I made it home and to the restaurant to surprise her in time for the main course. Granted, I would have been there earlier but I had to stop and shower. Still, my mom was surprised and that made driving 95 miles an hour home on hair-pin turns worth it.

Driving also gave me a lot of time to think. "Why are people always thanking me for stumbling on them when it’s them who do everything for me?" I thought. The answer came to me in West Virginia: people are thankful for the chance to help someone in need. It gives them a reason to good about themselves if they can feed me or put me up for the night. It reminds them that they are good people, even if they don’t feel that way all the time. It finally made sense.